Back at it

 Hi, invisible readers

Back to here again after 4 years. I enjoyed writing here ,it's a safe space for me. A place that i may convey my thoughts and feelings ,safely and minimally .

A question that i have been pondering lately- Is this what i am gonna settled myself in? Am i the type of person that want to settle down or have i not just seen enough the world yet? or i am not satisfy with what i am having now? All these intrusive thoughts are slowly eating myself away. Or i am just ungrateful and selfish. I hope you are there to tell me what to do, ma. 

I enjoy occupying myself with tons of activities so my thoughts won't eat me away. Or chase me away from here again. Maybe ..i am just being a brat being ungrateful of everything. I only one life, one way to live in anyway. 

Live it, anyway, or any way you want it

Another day

Dwelling in the moment, with a glass of vitamin C, spring K r&b music with post workout flush- this is bliss.

Thank you for another day of living.

Live your day <3 p="">

IC

So during this movement control order period. I have picked up a new drama- Itaewon Class (IC)
Neither have i have any idea of what the drama was about, on the first look on it,i thought it was about boxing! Because all the casts seems so angry and mighty on the poster!Haha!

I have never wanted to watch it, but i was hooked up to the OST song first sang by the actor in running man! Then i am hooked up! to the song and the actor..hahahaha. my heart flatter so much when i heard him sang and i am smiling while i am typing this, sorry Sam.hahaha

I won't talk much about the drama because there are plenty reviews out there that are way better than mine, but the summary is , " as long as you live, you can overcome anything. " It was an inspiring drama, with not much cheesy-ness in it, it was worth watching. But , i think the OST are all worth listening ,even i don't understand the language, but the songs are ohm!

Go and listen it! Oh! Live your day <3 p="">

Twenty-20

Twenty-20

Today marked the day of me and my dad blasting the music in our own room with our own genre of music in this rainy afternoon- noise,but bliss because we are still surviving from the whole chaotic situation. We've come a long way,still going through a long way..

It has been so may years since the last post,because.. i couldn't find a way to login into my account or should i said am afraid to look at what i have written in the past.

Seeing the old posts, make me feels like.. I've definitely changed, i guess not for better in terms of becoming more self-centered, losing some friends along the way, thoughts that i can't reveal. Been to here and there, stayed here and there, mind still sway here and there too. What is it like to be 28? Should i be achieving more?Own a house and a car? Get married? Own a few designer goods? Nope, i have none of that.

Being 28, i am focusing on my own well-being. I left my job. I refocus on my health and happiness. For the past few years, i have been pushing my body to the border of my limit, never thought my body would have changes that i have never expect, i've thought that i will be forever be in 25(prime age)- Maybe it was the signs of aging.

So, i sleep,i eat, i do my "business" for the past few months. But things didn't get better, i'm having insomnia now and then which has never happened to me before.

Then i picked up- Exercise. Oh man, it makes me sweat so much! Being a therapist, never have i walk the talk,maybe i should refocus my career choice! haha

There it is, all the babbling for today. I seem colder or cooler? ah, your judge!

Live your day <3 p="">

.make a change.

hey there:)
just wanna tell you all that,everyone suffered from their inner thought(the excessive one)

at least i can tell you that,i was,maybe am still suffering from some of my over thinking behavior,which most of the time of my life(1/4) am in a depressed mode
i isolate people,i put the blame on the love one or to everyone,blaming them on nothing,putting my emotional burden on them

In the real fact is,everyone suffered
most of them not showing it to others
most of them ignoring it
most of them living with it
most of them die from the inside

am sorry for putting my emotional burden to the others,showing those "faces"
like the whole world owe me a big time

no one responsible for your bad day,
no one responsible for your hard times
no one responsible for your past
no one does

whenever people gv your hard time,keep it to yourself,give others a good time
whenever people upset you,keep it to yourself,give others a smile

Hormonal games

Hi all! or hi me!

It just another day that i have been stuck in the room,literally

When all the emotions started to setting in and making me sinking into the sea of deep thought (Hormonal games on!)

Yes!i felt mistreated!i do not know what's/re the exact reasons why am feeling like this

(maybe am just trying avoid overthink about it)

This is the time,where i needed and misses her the most!

Because i know that,she's always the place i would wanna go for no matter good or bad things happened

Because i know that she love me and protect me whole heartedly like no one does

Her rough hands that used to comfort me

i misses all of that :(

 i love you mom,please stay happy at the other side of the world

promise me you will party hard up there

still you little girl, 

                            <3 div="">

it's been ages,eh,who am i telling to,this is a place where i can comfortably talk to myself and am not expecting anyone to read it.
I'm growing up from teen to now becoming a young adult,it feels like just a blink
but those heart work and things that i have seen,had made me becoming more...
am not sure which is the right word
mature?anti social?wiser?
not those i guess,am selectively sociable
am not mature too,am just keeping my mouth shut and that seems to be mature.

Am writing it here because i used to keep all the darkest secret here
ngeh,nah,no.haha. because i just needed a space to release it,that's all

The moment when you realized, your parents does not seems to be the one you always pictured of
maybe am a perfectionist which i doesn't realized of, i pictured of perfect things,and expected a lott
and this making my life so miserable somehow,and people around me,especially the love one

ohwell,coming back to that,what do u feel actually,realizing that your parents are actually just like any other people. Am speaking of lust actually when you wonder what is the thing am talking about.
i can't tell it more specifically,it just made my heart sunk and disappointed
i know,they are not saints.but still they r or they need to be the role model for their children.

it just very disappointing.who am i to judge them
i still love them

.another conversation by my own.

just not belong to anywhere
not here and there
where's the best comfort of all?
be with my own
my family,i guess
sometimes,you just wanna have a chat with that particular person
guess that,the person won't be 24/7 available for u isn't it
why am talking to myself so much?
because i need to
is my habit
always felt good talking to myself
although it get really twisted sometimes when you hv too much conversation on your own
screw it, i don't care

told you that,she looks so much like my mom
i hold your hand and walk by your side today,step by step
i just miss you,mom ;)

.own.

because at the end,we will be alone.
learn to be the best companion for ourselves
and do not dependent on others,no matter how much you want

.good side.

when you have a face full of acne or pimples or scars
you will become very humble at that time
because u felt that , am not everybody's face( smooth and pretty)
you tends to be so humble and smile cheerfully
you just left with a cheerful smile :D

is not that bad right,thinks the good side

. coming back.

when shit just happened in your life,
you had 0 idea in reacting it
you left no choice but to stay slumber in reacting it
that's the best reaction isn't it?
eventually,you will know how to react towards it

you will start to feel emotional

you will cry out of nowhere

you just another walking dead that time

you soul slowly drifted away 

you are not you

you lost yourself in everything

it swallowing you bit by bit

this is the truth,the way i experienced.
Even it happened few years ago,but deep down you lost a piece
and you can't gain it back forever

 you found yourself sometimes, but you lost yourself most of the time

this silence surrounds me, thanks God, i became an observer
i've started to realize that i am that self pity all the way long

it's okay to be emotional,but not pitying own self all the time.

Get up and start working.

.you.

when i found that i have love a person more than the person does,am scared
i fear of being unloved
i fear of losing
i fear of all the uncertainties
i fear of being hurt
Ohwell,this is life isn't it? being fear and insecure towards everything
and i shall just give it a try
love while i can
because i might can't at the next second

.:).

and here the journey started.
a little small step to the dream i hv been dreaming of
Seeing the patients,how depress or optimistic are them,i felt the burden, i wanna be there for them and help them
There's no reason for what i like to do and wanted to do,is the burden i felt,is their smile that i wanna see in them
Seeing the companion of family together with the patient,is so precious,this is family,being there for them.
I'm glad i was there before for u mom,and i miss you every second.

.feeling.

the feeling of death
drift in and out of consciousness
sometimes,you won't be able to respond but you know people are there,you hear them talk
eventually....
you just drift away

we left with choices in our lives,
until the last moment,we left with death

i just wanted to stay with you until the last second i had
if i was given another chance
and go back to the past
stay there with you,mom
just there,being there for you
i love you

.mom.

hey,mom. you there? i miss you :(

.2012.

is been a year,never updated my blog yea:)
well,where to start? :S i'm having trouble in sleeping,so yea,here i am,typing and updating some news of mine:)
i'll be starting my new chapter of life in the end of august. i'm not excited,nor nervous.
because i knew that,it will be tough somehow,i just have to survive and do my best there
taking up physiotherapy course is not a sudden decision of mine,is not the last choice either
but, is part of my dream :)
still remember the the volunteer thing,africa thing,saving the world thing? yea,i'm still into it! 100% in it :D
i'll do my best,i am taking it very seriously this time.
because is not just about me,myself,but everybody.how can i influence everyone
leaving take a lot of complication but staying won't be far better than leaving.

Thank you my heavenly father,this is what You have given me <3 p="p">

the time

i knew this is the time

i don't know how would things turn out to be

i just want to give it blast

i want mama and papa be proud of me

i might not be the child whom can bring a trophy back

but i know what i wanted to do in my life

i know, what should i be plan in our future

my future never wanted miss out your attendance in my life

whatever it is,i want you to know,i love you papa and mama

.feeling.

all of the complex feeling..

all of the things had happened..

you do not know how to spill it out in words..

i feel really bad..

you just want to "spill" it in tears..

.exam.

i just wanted to pull this shit off in a nice way.thats all.

.pathetic.

don't ever be pathetic to yourself,

over all the obstacles,

you did great!!

i might think that is not fair for me to go through all this

sometimes,i just felt sorry to myself,because of all the challenges that i have to go through

but,that just a pathetic thought

no one will help you if you don't even want to help yourself

no one will support you,if you don't first support yourself

no one will love you,if you don't first love yourself

i just wanted to say these to myself,"you have done great!"

keep this thinking in your entire life,you won't be live like puzzle

sometimes,we just need someone to comfort

or even a simple "how are you?are you doing fine?"

or even a hug is better.

but,please hug yourself before others do it to you,

it is a better pain relief than others does.

please rub the hair of your love ones

please hug your love ones

please,just let him or her know that,

HE/SHE is precious;))))))