.sick.

.i sick of being sick.

.exhausted.

thanks god for everything!!!
finally everything done.exhausted in physically but not spiritually.
thanks god for that.
i wonder if she is still here with us,will things change to better way.
i just miss her so much..

.friend.

when you have new friends,do you have the feeling that wanna know them more?
or even being their best friend?
will you?
do you need a bunch of friends?
or just a true friend that will be there for you?
are you a touch and go friend?
ask yourself,what you need.
i'm doing that too.
i don't want anybody get hurt :))

,uncounted smiles.

what i wanted for my X'mas?
i want your SMILES.i have been keeping and collecting everyone's lovely smiles.uncounted smiles deep down in my heart.is not a addiction in doing so.is because,when your smile doesn't at there anymore,i will be there to put up your smile ONCE again.Smile is the most precious gift from you all.can i have your smile,please?;))

.the forgotten one.

somehow,as time passed by,you and i will be the forgotten one.we once so closed as best buddy.but as time flies,you and i will be the forgotten one for someones'.have you ever think about this?yes,i was.i always keep my mind up to remember each one of you.i still remembered my first friend in kindergarden.but hey,i'm the forgotten one.is not easy to stuff everything in my brain,but in my heart,yes!!you are in my heart,i will remember each one of you in my heart.look in it,you are in there.miss ya!!i miss you,ning!!;))

.rebuilding the emotinal blog.

here i am,
with all of you.i'm happy in the way of,i found the greatest love.love from god.is the everlasting love.i'm not seeking love,but i felt it. LOVE is the greatest thing than anything in the world.i'm around here to let you feel it.love ya;))

.ning.

i'm smiled when she talked about my name:))

.beloved's hand.

.she loves holding my hand.
.i missed holding her hand.

.sorrow.

somehow..how happy i am..i still felt sorrow in me.hidden sorrow..it keeps me be me.not over acted..sometimes,i will thanks for the negative attitude.that isn't normal.but..

.repellent.

i want to be a repellent.repel everything in my life.once problem attach me,i will repel it and not dissolve it as part of my life.responsible thought?noo.definitely is a no.been through this 18 years.yes,is a short period.make me sick of everything.everything.the world.a coward action.that definitely is me.let me be a coward for a second.i appreciate that.thinking the world,such a wonderful place sometimes,but with human beings living on it..what can u say?decoration for the earth?spoiler for the earth?depends on you..i just have to control my flow of mood.
i'm not letting the mood control my life..not even a second:)

yes.at the end of life.we are just empty.hollow.

.badly.

i want to go out so badly
i want to go shopping so badly
i want to eat icecream so badly
i want to meet my peeps so badly
i miss the one who called me ai ren so badly
i miss the one that loves me for her life so badly

.emotional.

screw you whoever destroy my family or weakened my family bond..really..
SCREW YOU!!i protect my family..in my behavior..my everything..
really heart broken when i heard those words from the blood related families..
don't judge us if you are not live with us..i really doubt that did i really have all of you by my side..different sides of you all..sorry..i hardly recognize u all..
i thought i have family..so called family..i really..really..heart broken..but..still..
i will still love you all for the sake of GOD and MOM..

.dream.

everyone want to live in their dream..yes..i was..before..but now..
i want to live in everyone dreams..i want to make your dream real..
not a dream anymore..but is your own story..
i wish i could have mine..but mine story is all about all of you outside there..
without you all..i'm nothing..without god..i'm definitely empty..
i wish i could be with you all every time..
love you all,my dear GOD,families and friends..

.abandon.

yes..cannot admit that,everyone felt being abandoned before..EVERYONE..yes..i'm not excluded too..that is the reason why i don't let people feel that i am abandoning you..i felt that feeling before..suffer,upset,can cry out anytime,full of blaming.please..i don't want let anyone of you feel the ABANDON again..

.if,

if the world without war,there won't be connection between countries..
if the world only exist happiness,there not gonna be any gaining..
if there are hope for cancer patients,there not gonna be mercy killing..
if there are love in this world,there are no worrying in this home..
if divorce happened,things gonna change to a better path..
if i was a boy,i can throw all the things and get away..
if i never gone through,i will never be myself now..
if i never start the "if" here,i will never think i am so blessed..

.sorry.

sorry..i can't sleep..is too itchy for me..i tried to sleep..but..still i'm sitting here and typing..

.fast.

i just can't figure out that..wao...is like a sneeze..happened so quick..people changed so fast..even can't figure out the speed..will i be one of them?i scared..but i pray hard that i won't..please..

.song.

mum,here a song for you:

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today,

I would hold you in my arms,
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done,
forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do to hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you but I know you won't be there

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this,

Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do to have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, oh

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away

Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
By hurting you

hurt-christina aguilera

.fake.

ya..changed a lot..became more aggressive and extreme now..can i say becoming so fake..yes..i don't like it..fake..i really don't like it..

.challenge.

yes..never updated my blog...since...an age??hey ya..i just realized that i still..still will cry when talk about mummy..but not feeling pain anymore..yes..if you dare,talk to me about her..i want to overcome it..love you,mum..and i miss your foods..you know what,mum..i never let you know that..i never appreciate your foods when i am in primary school..i used to throw it..yes,how foolish am i..really..a big wound in my heart now..because i..really missing YOU!!

.lost.

i'm still finding my own way..yet still all of them seems like their futures is in their hand already..hard to lose it.i'm still finding the chances,the chances for me spread out my wings for myself and YOU..of course,the world..still..the chances will come by itself or..i have to find you??yet..i will still hold on..what i hope for my life and you mummy...

.happiness.

i thought the only happiness i will only get from mummy.but until this day,i can found happiness on my sister-ning.she has her engagement today.em.i meant yesterday.when i saw her tears drop from her cheek.yes,i'm so touched and happy.finally,she found her true love-mr shafuan.this couple made a difference,not only one difference.but a lot.i am totally impressed.i was like the mummy seeing her daughter finally found her true love,this family's happiness,i felt it today.i'm very happy for you two little husband and wife.anyway,keep holding on each other hands no matter how big those obstacles will be.love you all..

extreme low confidence

i hate myself being like this.struggling in my heart..cannot solve it.because it was only me will there for myself.i don't have courage to talk with people.i care how they think of me.i really care of their opinion.i hate this feeling.i hate it

.18th.

never think of to have a birthday like that.i just think i'll have a birthday like usual.dinner with family,watch television..like a normal day.but mine celebration..started on 5th February..in my working place..playschool.it was a surprise party.was touched and happiness all around me..thanks god for blessing me a wonderful birthday.then,is ning ning..my dearest sister..she came to my house.she gave me my favourite cheese cakes..yummy..she know what i want and what i think of..is hard to find a friend like that.i love her.then,the next day..my brother.i never thought that he will arrange a birthday surprise for me.he just used his effort all he have.thanks bro,for letting me have a memorable birtday.thanks ling..you are everywhere with me.thanks god..i'm 18 now..

.missing part.

i cried because of you.i smiled because of you.i still remember.i miss pass.because there were me and you.together we survive together we living.love you mummy..

.mama.

is been a year..i'm sorry mum..for everything that i done or did let down your feeling.but mumy..happy belated..i love you always.like you do.and is 1 year anniversary that you went to happiest place.i'm happy of that..cause i know you will find your true happiness there.if you stay still here,i knew you will really stand so hard in purpose only to protect us.whatever things you done,the first thing that comes on your mind is three of us.i knew your heart is tired.mentally,spiritually and physically lost when you were sick.because you are not happy.when i saw you.my heart was tearing.i told myself that vision that i saw was not true..i told myself..that is only illusion.i scared.i don't know how to tell.i love you mum..and i miss you hardly..

.learning.

sometimes,i will just shut my mouth up because i think the things that we talk about will badly hurt somebody.i knew that feel.but the time we gather up.those things will gradually comes out.because we are imperfect.we are humans.we have different thinking.because of somebody have different thinking then the person will be listed to weirdo.is cruel enough.i will shut my mouth up.i will.cause that action hurt people badly.we are human beings.the same species living together in the earth.i thought we should help and love each other in purpose to fulfilled god's wishes.i just thought.i thought.but that only thought.only.simply thought no added any experience.but eventually we grow up.we know the fact.some fact that we have to know.we have to accept it.this only see how you apply in your lifestyle.i will only ignore it.i will.i don't want to miss down my life.i have my life.no matter how bad or how good is it.i would not blame it.because is my road that i chosen.

.still.

i will be good.not pretend but i trying to be good.in the way i am.although i have know the fact that somewhere is not perfect because human is not perfect.i will hold on what i have learnt in all of you.the bestest thing that i have saw in you guys.i just miss that time.never be polluted,still me.cause i holding extra strong in myself.i will holding on myself.i will depend on myself.i will extra love myself.i will love you all no matter you all still having me in your heart or not.still.

.am i.

.em.
recently.i am so tired in mentally.everything went wrong.is not the way i thought or wanted.not a better way though but a bad way.is exhausted.sometimes i will get away from crowded people cause i think.when i get near them,they will think differently about me.in the bad way i think.thinking and guessing that much is really tiring and exhausting.but what have certain people done or did to me is really..can i say cruel?is not cruel..but mean in my way.is really upset.i am enough of the way all of you are.but other way perspective.am i got anything wrong.am i? am i? am i?tell me please if i am really did wrong.gossiping to one and other is not the way you can help the person and solve the problem.but getting worse on it.please,this is not the way.

.reminder.

a reminder for myself must done so that i won't lost in mind.
do remember i'm not good enough
do remember god is with me
do remember mummy
do remember my family
do remember to pray a lot
do remember to clean my room everyday
do remember all my friends
do remember be humble always
do remember my dream
do remember smile always
do remember cannot lie
do remember treat people with a truly heart
do remember to be good with others
do remember let my mind be simple
do remember who i am
do remember i love all of you all